The past few weeks have not been my best. In terms of the way I have been handling stress - which has a direct impact on how I treat and view myself - things have been a bit bleak. Nothing bad has happened, but I've been pressed for time, pushed out of my comfort zone, and haven't really had any time to decompress (which is vital for an introvert like me) - so I have defaulted to my standard coping mechanism: eating. Just the other night after work, I grabbed a six pack of cupcakes from the store, telling myself I needed them and I didn't care that I'd regret making that choice. After dinner, I ate two of them...and then came regret and shame, in a huge wave that washed over me, pushing me into an urgent need to find some way to absolve myself of the guilt, rid myself of the ugly feelings and self-judgment. I resolved to get rid of the remaining cupcakes, as if that would somehow erase what I had done. The next morning, I decided I would not get rid of the other cupcakes - because to do so grants them a kind of power over me that I am not okay with...and it only perpetuates this cycle of addictive behavior.
I'm not proud of myself for what I consider backward movement. I dislike how easy it is to rely on food (by which of course I mean "junk" food) to be my salve for any sort of uncomfortable feeling - as opposed to actually examining how I feel and being okay with whatever that is. I am scared that I will never be able to really change this behavior, to break this pattern and free myself of the burdens of self-hatred (because, in some ways, I believe I do actually still hate myself), and regularly make decisions based on self-love and self-respect. I sometimes wonder if I know what that kind of living would look like..and I wonder if that is what scares me -- the unknown.
What if this pattern I'm living in now is no different than the pattern that keeps battered women stuck in destructive relationships? I can say, based on my experience, that two things kept me stuck in an abusive relationship: 1) fear of the unknown, and 2) a solid belief that I didn't deserve any better (again, a belief formed by other trauma and also careful conditioning by the man I was involved with). So, is this situation with food really all that different?
Previously, I wrote about food as a Mean Girl, the friend who smiles to your face but crushes you first chance she gets - what about food as abuser? When I think about the pattern of behavior I experienced with an abusive partner, I see similarities - he seemed harmless in the beginning...charming, even. He made me feel special and made me really want to be with him. Over time, the deeper I got into the relationship, I started to lose myself (those parts that were incongruous to maintaining the status quo and balance) until I only knew him. Then, as I began to see clearly again, seeing who he really was and how he was hurting me (cutting me down, convincing me I was nothing without him, forcing me to give up who I was), I wanted out but I was afraid. Afraid he was right, afraid he would hurt me for real (physically) if I tried to get out. And then I realized that the only way I could be happy, could be okay was to get away, no matter what happened. So, I did it. It was scary, it took time, and it wasn't exactly easy, but I did it. And I'm stronger because of it...though it has taken me nearly 20 years to truly find my strength and myself.
So now I wonder, couldn't breaking up with my old, damaging eating habits be the same? Uncomfortable, painful, and certainly scary. But what have I got to gain from getting out of this relationship?
I'm going to have to spend some more time pondering this parallel, considering how much my current behaviors are actually not serving or helping me, and looking at how I might use that information to change the behaviors and, ultimately, the relationship. Unlike the ex-boyfriend, whom I could leave behind and live without, food is necessary. I can't stop eating, so I have to fix the problem and the relationship, recreating it until there is no shame, no guilt, and, most of all, no damage.
