To Begin, Again

It's no secret that weight and body image have always been issues for me. I was chubby all through childhood, "plus-sized" in high school, and by the time I was twenty, I was seriously overweight. Now, facing forty head-on, I am the heaviest I have ever been and I'm giving a lot of thought to how best to deal with the problem of my weight, and what got me here.

About five years ago, I managed to lose thirty pounds and I felt really good about what I was able to accomplish - it took me about eighteen months and I was doing really well. Eating balanced meals, working out, and losing steadily. Then I hit an emotional pothole and everything came undone, including me. Crippling anxiety and severe depression ruled my life. I could barely work or go to school, I couldn't be around people without sinking into fits of panic, and I turned back to food to soothe my raw and aching nerves. Thirty pounds came back in just a couple of months, and more weight came with it.

I pulled myself out of that dark period, but the cost of it all was that I was not just back where I started, but even further behind. And, unfortunately, that weight has stayed with me for several years.

It's not easy for me to write this, knowing people will read it. I fear being judged by others the way I judge myself. Even with all my public talk about body acceptance, my own body and body image have been my private shame. But that's exactly why I wanted to do this - to break down the wall I keep trying to put around myself and stop using my embarrassment as a shield. To talk about the things that everyone who has ever struggled with their weight has ever thought, felt and experienced. To talk through the process of learning to love myself and treat myself and my body with respect, with the ultimate goal of getting healthier and more fit.

My ideas and ideals about how to reach that goal are somewhat fluid at this point and often easily influenced, so I thought that by working it out in a more public forum I can accomplish a few of things at once - getting past my shame, finding a path that works for me, and hopefully involving some friends and readers in the process so that we can all find our path.

I hope you'll take this journey with me, and interact with me as well. Through this blog, I plan to talk about what others are talking about (on Facebook, on TV, in magazines, etc.), The Body Love Movement, how society and the media define beauty, how to come to terms with myself, how to manage and redefine my relationship with food...an much more. Stay tuned! ;)