I know it has to stop. I know it. But doing something about it? Pfft. Terrifying.
I've been giving a lot of thought lately to how to go about these changes. I need a plan, I know that much. A couple of days ago, I was certain I'd be joining Weight Watchers, and I started dreaming about what it would feel like to be successful at it. To see the weight come off. I did some research and even thought I could manage the monthly fee. But I couldn't pull the trigger just yet. It wasn't just about the money, though that's certainly a factor. I realized that what scared me was the rigidity of the diet plan. The focus on calories, points, choices...and sacrifice. Because although they brag about the flexibility of their plan, and how you can still eat what you want, there's always a price, and for me, price equals sacrifice. What would I have to give up?
And then it hit me: I'd have to give up comfort.
Now this is the dichotomy of my life - and, I'm certain, for anyone else who struggles with food addiction and weight loss - food is the thing that gives me comfort when life is too much to handle, but it's also the thing that makes life so hard. Living in a body that has limitations is NOT comfortable. But, it also helps me hide. I could go on about both sides of a dozen different coins but I think you get the point. Right now, one side doesn't necessarily outweigh the other so I can't find the motivation to actually do anything different.
Yet it's all I think about. What can I do? What should I do? What is going to work for me and what is going to make me unhappy? I do understand that the process of rebuilding my relationship with food isn't going to be comfortable - intellectually, anyway. Emotionally, I'm a scared little girl, clinging to her stuffed bunny with all her might, knowing that some big meanie is going to come snatch it out of her little hands. If someone takes food - my comfort, my salve, my drug - away from me, I will be exposed and alone. I might just have to face my demons and I don't feel equipped to do that.
Still, I'm thinking about what I can do to help ease myself into the changes. Focusing completely on food seems to go against my desire to not become obsessed with every damn thing I put in my mouth, so what if I focus on WHY I eat? A recent Facebook post by one of my favorite authors, Jen Lancaster, who has struggled with her weight for many years but recently found freedom not through a strict diet but through doing some real work on herself, inspired me to look more closely at that approach - fix the inside first. Look at the "why" and the "how" will come:
I've been giving a lot of thought lately to how to go about these changes. I need a plan, I know that much. A couple of days ago, I was certain I'd be joining Weight Watchers, and I started dreaming about what it would feel like to be successful at it. To see the weight come off. I did some research and even thought I could manage the monthly fee. But I couldn't pull the trigger just yet. It wasn't just about the money, though that's certainly a factor. I realized that what scared me was the rigidity of the diet plan. The focus on calories, points, choices...and sacrifice. Because although they brag about the flexibility of their plan, and how you can still eat what you want, there's always a price, and for me, price equals sacrifice. What would I have to give up?
And then it hit me: I'd have to give up comfort.
Now this is the dichotomy of my life - and, I'm certain, for anyone else who struggles with food addiction and weight loss - food is the thing that gives me comfort when life is too much to handle, but it's also the thing that makes life so hard. Living in a body that has limitations is NOT comfortable. But, it also helps me hide. I could go on about both sides of a dozen different coins but I think you get the point. Right now, one side doesn't necessarily outweigh the other so I can't find the motivation to actually do anything different.
Yet it's all I think about. What can I do? What should I do? What is going to work for me and what is going to make me unhappy? I do understand that the process of rebuilding my relationship with food isn't going to be comfortable - intellectually, anyway. Emotionally, I'm a scared little girl, clinging to her stuffed bunny with all her might, knowing that some big meanie is going to come snatch it out of her little hands. If someone takes food - my comfort, my salve, my drug - away from me, I will be exposed and alone. I might just have to face my demons and I don't feel equipped to do that.
Still, I'm thinking about what I can do to help ease myself into the changes. Focusing completely on food seems to go against my desire to not become obsessed with every damn thing I put in my mouth, so what if I focus on WHY I eat? A recent Facebook post by one of my favorite authors, Jen Lancaster, who has struggled with her weight for many years but recently found freedom not through a strict diet but through doing some real work on herself, inspired me to look more closely at that approach - fix the inside first. Look at the "why" and the "how" will come:
"First, I began to work with a nutritionist who specializes in demystifying and taking away food’s power. I cannot say enough nice things about Michelle at FatNutritionist.com. Her goal is not to get you thin; rather, she’s all about “getting you to a friendly place with food and your body.”
...My point here is that I laid the groundwork for weight loss long before I ever stepped into the gym. I had to figure out what in life would make me happy before I was in the mindset to make changes."
This spoke to me on many levels, some going very deep. I think I have always believed that fixing the insides first is the only way to make these changes as close to permanent as possible.
Of course, the impatient parts of me are all up in arms because they know that this approach takes time. And they want results NOW. Maybe not changes, as they're part of Team Eat For Comfort, but they certainly want me to fit more comfortably in my clothes.
I'm not totally delusional - I know that work will have to be done. I know I will have to examine my eating habits, be honest with myself about why I choose certain things, feel my feelings and make some sacrifices. I know I will have to get more active. There are parts of me that welcome those things and there are parts that are terrified. The only way I feel I can manage the excitement and the terror is to take a gentle approach to a major lifestyle change - and I know it won't happen overnight. But I also feel like I owe it to myself to try.
My next step is to do some research and try to draft a plan. And, yes, maybe make a couple of small changes to get myself started. Let's just see where this all leads, shall we? Stay tuned...
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